Sexless? Sex Deprived? Sex Starved?

Sexless? Sex Deprived? Sex Starved? Forced Celibacy? Sexual Abandonment?

You know what I know... say hello.

What the problem was

I think I now know what went wrong with my marriage... my wife really didn't understand how much I liked sex, and how much she didn't like sex. This led her to two mistakes in her thinking... she thought that she would change, to be a person that liked sex more than she did at the time of our marriage, and the second mistake being she thought I would change and become a person who had less interest in sex than I did at the time of our marriage. Of course things couldn't have gone more wrong. I continued to appreciate sex as much as I ever did, and she came to embrace her inner dislike for sex.

Given this scenario, it is no wonder that I find myself in the plight that I do.

Thought for the Day

Being sexless is hell, but it helps if you can get support for others... and it seems like only the sexually deprived understand each other.

Flood gates just opened up...

I just now was catching up on one of my favorite t.v. shows, "Lie To Me", and I started crying (yes with real tears and everything).

The awfulness of my situation just got triggered by the awfulness of what was going on in the story at that moment, and my emotions just let loose with a flow of tears.

People not in this situation have no fucking idea of how devastating it can be to be one of us, the sexually abandoned and forlorned.

It's Sex Abuse... SEX ABUSE

Sexual rejection and sexual neglect are sex abuse to a married spouse. This FACT needs to be:

A) recognized

and

B) addressed

just like any other form of sex abuse.

This is a MUST.

If you are being sexually deprived, you are being sexually abused.

No doubt the abuse makes you feel unattractive, unlovable, unloved not to mention sexually frustrated...

There must be a woman 30-50

in the Atlanta area that is sexually neglected by a husband that she loves. Some woman who is vibrant and alive, but who's sexual persona is going to waste. Someone who yearns for good kissing, and good touching and good sex. If you are suffering horniness I can relate!

To paraphrase Queen:

Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to sex ?

Resentment and Frustration and often Deceit

A woman I know emailed me this question:

I'm trying to understand the dynamics of a relationship with no sex. I would think it would affect every interaction with the partner, because there is underlying resentment and frustration and often deceit involved. Wouldn't this sour the relationship altogether?

Any insight you can give me into this would be greatly appreciated.

MY REPLY

I think the proper order is different than the one you suggest in your question. I also think you might have left out a few elements. I shall suggest some missing elements and the logical order that they may present themselves.

Pangs

Animals experience pangs. Pangs are the internal signals that the self needs something.

What are pangs? Well you know there are hunger pangs, thirst pangs, physical comfort pangs, companionship pangs, familiarity pangs, remembrance pangs, and sex pangs.

Whenever there is an unsatisfied pang there is pain.

I suppose in the vernacular sex pangs are referred to as horniness or "wantin' some".

Pain

The longer the pang goes unsatisfied the more the pang pain increases. The design being that the pain increases until the individual is motivated enough to get the pang satisfied and thus eliminate the pain. If this means getting off one's butt and searching for food, or go to the stream and get water, or move into a cave… we are motivated by pain to act to eliminate it. When it comes to the pain of sex pangs, we are motivated to execute sexual courting behaviors that have evolved for our species. Bathing, grooming, shaving, for example. Dinner and a movie for another. Begging for many.

Frustration

When pain is not alleviated the result is frustration. This is a secondary pain heaped upon the primary pain… one might call it the pain of pain. It's not enough to have the pain from the pangs; no, we also have to have frustration dumped on top of it all.

Now, this pain is slightly different because it is not a physically hurting kind of pain, but instead a mental hurt, manifest as extreme mental discomfort. Nonetheless frustration wrecks as much distress to the individual as physical pain.

Frustration usually presents itself after attempts have been made to cease the pain and discovery that you lack the ability to end the pain. So when the pain is at its worst, and there is no relief in the immediate future, that is when you get to have frustration added to you mix.

Reflection: I am very frustrated with the way nature evolved my species.

Futility

You're in pain and you are frustrated. So you now move onto the experience of futility. This is a byproduct of human intellect. We are smart enough to see that with no end in sight for our pain, and frustration that our plight has become futile. Lucky us to be so equipped with such intellect!

In this stage not only do we doubt our prospects, we doubt ourselves, we feel impotent due to our inability to get what we need. In the case of sex pangs, this lead to us feeling unlovable, undesirable, unattractive, ineffectual, ugly, covered in unsightly sores.

We have the urge to give up, because well, nothing absolutely nothing has changed our predicament… and thus we just try to shut down… do a mental cauterization in a last ditch effort to quit the fucking hurting.

Resentment

Look at all you've suffered above leading to this juncture. Now, consider the person that necessitated you suffering all that suffering. Now, that feeling that comes up in your being, before all other feelings… that is what we call resentment. Let's breakdown the word: resentment. Re- meaning "again" and SENTMENT meaning "knowing the culprit". So, resentment means knowing the culprit (for your pain and frustration) again, and again and again.

It's like when you walk into the room, and you see that person that is suppose to be your source of happy good sex but is not, and you are cognizant that it is because of their deficiency that you are living with such misery. Resentment.

Loss

After a period of time (of diminished sexuality in your day to day existence), you will come to realize that you have lost your sex life. Of course as with any loss, you will experience all the five stages of loss: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

If you take no action and accept the acceptance of the loss of your sex life, this might eventually result in you coming to the realization that you have also lost your sensuality, your sexuality, your sexual being, or whatever you want to call it. Symptoms of such a loss will be a lackluster journey through existence, perhaps an associated loss of creativity, general vitality, or even the basic joy of living. Be prepared for a secondary round of the five stages for these losses.

More Resentment (2^nd Round)

The first time through you had pangs and pain and frustration and futility to be resentful of towards the person that just couldn't find it with themselves to have some sex with you… now you can add all this loss to that mix and experience more resentment.

Deceit

Though other philosophers may be deluded and claim otherwise, there is only one true deceit, and that is the deceit of others. Nobody can truly lie to themselves; such is an impossibility.

But we can deceive others, and this happens whenever we don't supply others with 100% disclosure of the truth as we know it. Having to live with a sex drive imbalance almost makes it automatic that deceit is introduced into the relationship. (Now of course there's a good chance that there already was deceit in the relationship, but we won't speak of that right now.)

How in the world could we interact at all with a sex partner who has generally disengaged from sex with us if we didn't employ deceit? Completely truthful interaction with that person would have to consist of us telling them over and over and over again how much pain, frustration and futility they are causing in us, until they acted to alleviate this torment. Well that wouldn't be workable and so we enter into the first deceit by withholding the truth that their asexuality towards us is causing us distress. Voila, deceit is now in the relationship.

Think of this as a gateway deceit… a deceit that can let subsequent deceits seem permissible.

Don't blame yourself for deceits you are caused to create. Remember that the truth is not a right of the other: others have to earn the truth from you. If a person can not be trusted with the truth, or can't cope with the truth, then it's not your fault that they don't get the truth from you.

What does all this mean?

We have traced the path from Unfulfilled Sex Pangs to Frustration and Loss to Resentment, and we have also seen how Deceit is almost automatically introduced into the relationship. Now back to answering the original question, does a libido imbalance lead to a soured relationship?

I would think that resentment would be to a relationship, as bacteria are to milk. As the bacteria multiply the milk becomes sour, the greater the number of bacteria the greater the souring… until at last the milk is spoiled and not fit for consumption. So too it is with a relationship, the more the resentments pile up, the more sour the relationship, until it too reaches a point where it is spoiled.

The only thing that keeps a relationship that has the problem of libido imbalance from spoiling is something that counteracts resentments: keeps them from building. Things like understanding. If one understands what it is that keeps one's spouse from fulfilling one's sexual pangs, and the understanding is mitigating, then that would keep resentments from growing. Perhaps extra-marital distractions might keep resentments from growing. If there is another way that sex pangs are satisfied then resentments might not grow as fast, or not at all. (Of course this can turn around and explode instantly if when such extra-marital outlets are discovered and they are used to vilify the spouse that was merely trying to cope for the sake of the relationship.)

New Sex-Starved book released

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire

To be fair and honest, I have not read Michele's latest book. I haven't even read her other books. But at least someone is out there writing on this problem, and that is something.

Holidays for the sexually neglected/rejected.

It is so hard to be married to a sexually ungiving spouse during the Holidays... because you have to give to someone who is holding back on giving you the precious gift of sexual pleasure....

For those "new" to this plight - sex drive mismatch

It's not you – it's your spouse who has a problem.

You're not alone – there are others suffering this same plight.

You're not wrong – you have every right to expect a great sex life.

We can make things better by working together.

Feel free to talk to us... we understand, we're going through this too.

This is for the sexless, the near sexless, the no-sex or the low-sex otherwise happily married.

It's Abuse! Marital Abuse!

Sexual neglect, sexual rejection, they're both marital abuse!...

Tacky come ons...

I hate lame come ons, like online services that claim to be "free" (like marriedsecrets.com) (or adultfriendfinder.com) but then once you sign up you find out that what is free about these services is completely useless to you, but only helpful for them. There free service allows them to tempt you to spend money with their service, but give you nothing in return. There free service, aloows you to help them by becoming bait for others to spend moeny with their sevice, but gives you nothing in return. And the price that they want for the non-free services, is outragous. Fifty dollars a month.... for internet connectivity... that a frickin joke. I can get internet connectivity for free from AOL, Yahoo, Gmail, MSN.... why should I pay $50 a month for that.

Anyone that want to connect with anyone else can do it through my support groups for FREE... For really free.

Two Years this Month

I can't believe it... but this month marks two years without sex.... seems as if my wife went from very little to none at all.... two years... sexless and married... and I can't believe it.

What every SWAGE sufferer knows to be true!

Valentine Truth!

Valentine's

Well here it is Valentine's Eve and I feel awful about it. I feel physically ill, I love my wife so very much and because of her aversion to sex I have no hope of fully experiencing the wonderfulness of married love. I found a card that say I love you, and I've been doing lot's of things that express my love for her, but alas I fear none of it will move her to passion...

Signs that your spouse isn't into SEX

Over time, it has come to my attention that there's all sorts of different kinds of sex. Now in my 22 years of marriage I've not known any of these various variations on sex. I think that a good indication that you're married to a low libido or sex averse partner if they've rejected or shown no interest in most of these.

Vacation sex
Make-up sex
Kitchen sex / whole house sex
Car sex
On the sly sex/secret sex
Stealth (silent) sex
Office sex
Restroom sex
Guest room sex/parents house sex
Sex at someone else's house during a party
Mile high sex
Outdoor sex
Hot tub sex
Middle of the night sex
Good morning sex/wake up sex
Departmet store/dressing room sex
Stay in bed for 24 hours and have sex more times than you can count sex

Have I forgotten one (or more) of the classics, let me know.